For the last several days, Tiger Woods and his family have been a part of the national news cycle. Unfortunate as it is, he has made a mistake. A mistake that has not only impacted him personally and financially, but a mistake that has clearly impacted his wife, kids and now even his in-laws. What a mess...
Or at least that is what I felt at first. But suppose the mess ISN'T that we have now found out about his sordid and purient behaviors. Maybe the mess is that this sordid part of his life was going on all along and we never knew. Maybe the mess is that for years, he chose to repeatedly leave his dutiful wife at home to meet with other women to whom he had no real meaningful relationship. Maybe the mess is that he could do this and then return home to that same woman and give her no indication that anything other than great golf had happened while he was away. Maybe the mess is that Tiger may have never recognized that his behavior was wrong unless and until he was exposed.
So maybe, the world finding out about Tiger's transgressions isn't a mess at all. Maybe it's a blessing for Tiger and the world that admired him. After all, we've learned that what you see is not always what you get. We've learned that morality, honesty and integrity are not prerequisites for talent and ability. You can clearly have one set of positive traits without the other. We've learned that all men are fallible, some women are opportunistic and what is done in the dark will always come out in the light.
Now what Tiger has learned is yet to be determined. We assume that he now knows that his wife will fight him, his girlfriends will expose him, and his friends will publicly chastise him. But these are all external lessons. The internal lessons will be the most truthful and long lasting, after all adversity introduces a man to himself.
The Real Issue
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Precious Moments
After viewing the movie "Precious" which is a phenomenal story about a young women who overcomes abuse and adversity, I was particularly struck by the actress, Mo'nique's betrayal of the fictional character Mary Jones. Mary is the verbally and physically abusive mother of Clarice Precious Jones, a young girl who is the story's main character. Mary Jones threw everything she could think of both literally and figuratively at Precious in efforts to hurt and control her. Mary is portrayed as a terrible mother with no redeeming qualities. She was the perfect picture of an abuser. While this clearly isn't the first time the ugly face of abuse has been exposed on a movie screen, this is the first time that I have left the theater really wanting to better understand the abuser.
Maybe my interest in Mary was peaked because of Mo'Nique's perfect portrayal of a less than perfect woman. Or maybe it was because I felt the familiar energy of an abusive woman. Once I had more time to think about the character I summized that the ghosts of Mary Jones' past have caused her to become mean and caustic and caused her emotions to rot from fear and insecurity. Even though she put on the facade of strength and power, her hidden fear had used Precious to buffer herself from the world. She seemed afraid of interacting with people that she had no immediate control over. She would send Precious to talk to the teachers or social workers while she barked orders loudly yet cowardly from her chair. Their apartment had become a solar system with Mary Jones being the center of this ghetto universe. Precious, the cats that lived with them, and even Mary's own mother simply orbited around her. In Mary's mind, everything was about her. This egotism helped explain why Mary allowed her husband to molest Precious while she was in the room. Instead of Mary caring about how detrimental the molestation was to her three year old daughter, Mary's concern was, "Why did he want her and not me?" That egotism, seasoned with insecurity created a recipe that allowed Precious' needs to be totally forgotten, dismissed and ignored. That same insecurity caused Mary to question herself and remain in a relationship with a man who wanted to have intercourse with a three year old girl.
The abuse in this movie is tragic and extreme and clearly not the experience of most women but it made me wonder how much of Mary Jones is in each of us. How often do we find ourselves thinking of "what about me?" or find ourselves wondering what are the consequences of standing our ground or in our truth? Are there times that we have cared so much about what we wanted that we rationalized or even ignored the needs of others? Ultimately, what we saw was a weak Mary Jones, who made decisions based on egotism or ignorance or both and then oddly blamed the rest of the world.
As I pondered Mary even more I realized that as brutal and unappealing as she was...I felt sorry for her. I understood that she wasn't born that way. Life's circumstances and a flawed, insecure man or woman had created her. Something in her past has molded her into this loud, abusive, ghetto monster. Though big and mean, she clearly lacked strength and clarity of thought. Mary had survived her past, but unlike Precious, she had not had the ability to thrive and improve but instead chose to control and belittle all of those around her. Mary Jones had not found a school administrator who cared, a social worker determined to listen or a teacher willing to sacrifice for the betterment of her students. All these women had combined their strengths and woven a new way for Precious in a way that had somehow evaded Mary Jones. It was clear that neither of these three women characters had a magic wand or had experienced a perfect life themselves, but what they provided to Precious was an example of another way of being. A way that let Precious know that she was not like Mary Jones. Precious had protected her own, had found another way and had eventually seen her experience and humanity in another little girl just like her. As women we can all do that. And maybe the gesture will not be grand or even appear life changing at the moment, but if combined with the strength and wisdom of others it might save a life, which in the end is the Real Issue.
Maybe my interest in Mary was peaked because of Mo'Nique's perfect portrayal of a less than perfect woman. Or maybe it was because I felt the familiar energy of an abusive woman. Once I had more time to think about the character I summized that the ghosts of Mary Jones' past have caused her to become mean and caustic and caused her emotions to rot from fear and insecurity. Even though she put on the facade of strength and power, her hidden fear had used Precious to buffer herself from the world. She seemed afraid of interacting with people that she had no immediate control over. She would send Precious to talk to the teachers or social workers while she barked orders loudly yet cowardly from her chair. Their apartment had become a solar system with Mary Jones being the center of this ghetto universe. Precious, the cats that lived with them, and even Mary's own mother simply orbited around her. In Mary's mind, everything was about her. This egotism helped explain why Mary allowed her husband to molest Precious while she was in the room. Instead of Mary caring about how detrimental the molestation was to her three year old daughter, Mary's concern was, "Why did he want her and not me?" That egotism, seasoned with insecurity created a recipe that allowed Precious' needs to be totally forgotten, dismissed and ignored. That same insecurity caused Mary to question herself and remain in a relationship with a man who wanted to have intercourse with a three year old girl.
The abuse in this movie is tragic and extreme and clearly not the experience of most women but it made me wonder how much of Mary Jones is in each of us. How often do we find ourselves thinking of "what about me?" or find ourselves wondering what are the consequences of standing our ground or in our truth? Are there times that we have cared so much about what we wanted that we rationalized or even ignored the needs of others? Ultimately, what we saw was a weak Mary Jones, who made decisions based on egotism or ignorance or both and then oddly blamed the rest of the world.
As I pondered Mary even more I realized that as brutal and unappealing as she was...I felt sorry for her. I understood that she wasn't born that way. Life's circumstances and a flawed, insecure man or woman had created her. Something in her past has molded her into this loud, abusive, ghetto monster. Though big and mean, she clearly lacked strength and clarity of thought. Mary had survived her past, but unlike Precious, she had not had the ability to thrive and improve but instead chose to control and belittle all of those around her. Mary Jones had not found a school administrator who cared, a social worker determined to listen or a teacher willing to sacrifice for the betterment of her students. All these women had combined their strengths and woven a new way for Precious in a way that had somehow evaded Mary Jones. It was clear that neither of these three women characters had a magic wand or had experienced a perfect life themselves, but what they provided to Precious was an example of another way of being. A way that let Precious know that she was not like Mary Jones. Precious had protected her own, had found another way and had eventually seen her experience and humanity in another little girl just like her. As women we can all do that. And maybe the gesture will not be grand or even appear life changing at the moment, but if combined with the strength and wisdom of others it might save a life, which in the end is the Real Issue.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Mothers and women everywhere find themselves in new and powerful positions everyday however, we sometimes find that at home we are experiencing the same old feelings of being tired and powerless. We are a victim of sorts in our own homes and to our own decisions. Somehow we've agreed to work outside the home, inside the home and still not feel fulfilled. We worry that our homes are not as clean as our neighbors, our kids are not as nurtured as our sisters and our hair styles are not as coifed as the single, skinny, smart girl who was just hired in our department on yesterday.
We're resenting our spouses at home and fighting against other women at work while trying to be the good girl, the bad girl or the girl in charge. Next we rush to and fro dropping off kids, grocery shopping, and picking up laundry. We are simply tired.
So ladies...it's time for us to stop the craziness. Let's give up the madness and slow down. We can get it all done but stop doing it all alone. We can gain strength from other women around us and can stop competing with everyone else! Our "busy-ness" is all in our heads. We can simplify our lives and downsize our priorities. We can be present at home and at work and look great while doing it.
But putting looks aside, what is our REAL ISSUE? Well, the real issue is that we as women have often made life decisions in our 20's, when we were finding our way, and we are still living with the consequences of those decisions today. In my case for instance, I married at 26. By the time I was 30, I had three children. Being the woman that I am, I poured my life into my family. Good sense and the desire to be a good mother compelled me to be willing to give up or at least not focus on my life or my plans for personal development. I had three kids to raise and had no idea how emotionally hard or physically taxing that was going to be. But alas, the children are older now, I remain married and now it's time for real personal focus.
As I reflect today with my 44 year old mind, I realize just how the decision I made 18 years ago impacted my life. When I think about it, I realize the decision I made then (as right as it was) wasn't made from a place of strength and confidence. I was neither strong nor secure. At that time I didn't walk in my truth. As a matter of fact, I didn't know what my truth was. I was walking in what I thought and had seen was the dream of most American women: find love, get married, have kids. So I did that but without the knowledge and understanding of what it would really mean to me as a person. So many of you have made a very similar decision and now find that you are in a very similar place. We made decisions, good and bad, which have led us to the emotional chaos we manage daily now.
For those of us who work or have worked in corporate America, we are familiar with the annual performance evalution. We know that what gets measured is what gets done. Well when did we last do our own personal evaluations? What goals, traits, and descriptions are we measuring ourselves against? Have we tracked how many beds we've have made, how many meals we've have cooked, or how many kisses we have successfully landed on the foreheads of your little ones?
Now is the time to take a personal inventory. Let's give ourselves the ultimate performance evaluation. What do we have that we love? What do we have that we hate? What can we do to get back to our personal plans for ourselves?
We're resenting our spouses at home and fighting against other women at work while trying to be the good girl, the bad girl or the girl in charge. Next we rush to and fro dropping off kids, grocery shopping, and picking up laundry. We are simply tired.
So ladies...it's time for us to stop the craziness. Let's give up the madness and slow down. We can get it all done but stop doing it all alone. We can gain strength from other women around us and can stop competing with everyone else! Our "busy-ness" is all in our heads. We can simplify our lives and downsize our priorities. We can be present at home and at work and look great while doing it.
But putting looks aside, what is our REAL ISSUE? Well, the real issue is that we as women have often made life decisions in our 20's, when we were finding our way, and we are still living with the consequences of those decisions today. In my case for instance, I married at 26. By the time I was 30, I had three children. Being the woman that I am, I poured my life into my family. Good sense and the desire to be a good mother compelled me to be willing to give up or at least not focus on my life or my plans for personal development. I had three kids to raise and had no idea how emotionally hard or physically taxing that was going to be. But alas, the children are older now, I remain married and now it's time for real personal focus.
As I reflect today with my 44 year old mind, I realize just how the decision I made 18 years ago impacted my life. When I think about it, I realize the decision I made then (as right as it was) wasn't made from a place of strength and confidence. I was neither strong nor secure. At that time I didn't walk in my truth. As a matter of fact, I didn't know what my truth was. I was walking in what I thought and had seen was the dream of most American women: find love, get married, have kids. So I did that but without the knowledge and understanding of what it would really mean to me as a person. So many of you have made a very similar decision and now find that you are in a very similar place. We made decisions, good and bad, which have led us to the emotional chaos we manage daily now.
For those of us who work or have worked in corporate America, we are familiar with the annual performance evalution. We know that what gets measured is what gets done. Well when did we last do our own personal evaluations? What goals, traits, and descriptions are we measuring ourselves against? Have we tracked how many beds we've have made, how many meals we've have cooked, or how many kisses we have successfully landed on the foreheads of your little ones?
Now is the time to take a personal inventory. Let's give ourselves the ultimate performance evaluation. What do we have that we love? What do we have that we hate? What can we do to get back to our personal plans for ourselves?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
