A few weeks ago, Tiger Woods stopped the world again. He came out to apologize to a small group of family and friends. He tried to appear repentive and contrite. His apology at least to me fell flat. Clearly his greatest concern is still being in control and not necessarily being real. I can't put my finger on it but his words just didn't ring true, at least not to me.
The next day however a few of the mistresses made statements to the effect that they were disappointed and hurt that Tiger had chosen not to include them in his apology. I was baffled, disturbed even that they would make such a comment. Since this blog is really for women and their real issues, I have begun to wonder, what are we as women doing to each other? Did Tiger behave badly? Yes. Does Elan deserve an apology? Clearly. But which of these women didn't know that he was married when they met him? He is only one of the most recognizable celebrities on earth. They knew he was married, but decided to have a relationship with him anyway. So why do they need an apology? If you make the decision as an adult to walk out in the rain, you don't ask for an apology from Mother Nature for getting wet. You knew what you were doing when you decided to step out in the rain. I have become quite irritated with it all. I take no responsibility away from Tiger for hurting his wife, family and professional brand. But women...what are we thinking? Do we think it is ok to cheat with another woman's husband because our loneliness and pain are the only thing that we care about? Are we so insecure or afraid of being alone that we settle for sharing another woman's man? Are we so simple that we walk in to these situations pumped up on selfishness or blinded by love and think it's okay to be the pawn used to destroy or betray another woman? I just think we as women are smarter than that. We have to have a greater opinion of ourselves. Or minimally at least understand that if you choose the mistress behavior you choose to be left in the dark once the affair comes to light. If he lies and cheats on the one that he keeps in the mansion, he will surely lie and cheat on the Waffle House waitress. Many of these women are educated, attractive and desireable in a number of ways. Adding all these factors together still doesn't make the equation make sense. Women we must do better, be better and require and demand better, if not we'll continue to make mistakes and be the mistake that will continue to lead to your own downfall.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Oh Tiger...
For the last several days, Tiger Woods and his family have been a part of the national news cycle. Unfortunate as it is, he has made a mistake. A mistake that has not only impacted him personally and financially, but a mistake that has clearly impacted his wife, kids and now even his in-laws. What a mess...
Or at least that is what I felt at first. But suppose the mess ISN'T that we have now found out about his sordid and purient behaviors. Maybe the mess is that this sordid part of his life was going on all along and we never knew. Maybe the mess is that for years, he chose to repeatedly leave his dutiful wife at home to meet with other women to whom he had no real meaningful relationship. Maybe the mess is that he could do this and then return home to that same woman and give her no indication that anything other than great golf had happened while he was away. Maybe the mess is that Tiger may have never recognized that his behavior was wrong unless and until he was exposed.
So maybe, the world finding out about Tiger's transgressions isn't a mess at all. Maybe it's a blessing for Tiger and the world that admired him. After all, we've learned that what you see is not always what you get. We've learned that morality, honesty and integrity are not prerequisites for talent and ability. You can clearly have one set of positive traits without the other. We've learned that all men are fallible, some women are opportunistic and what is done in the dark will always come out in the light.
Now what Tiger has learned is yet to be determined. We assume that he now knows that his wife will fight him, his girlfriends will expose him, and his friends will publicly chastise him. But these are all external lessons. The internal lessons will be the most truthful and long lasting, after all adversity introduces a man to himself.
The Real Issue
Or at least that is what I felt at first. But suppose the mess ISN'T that we have now found out about his sordid and purient behaviors. Maybe the mess is that this sordid part of his life was going on all along and we never knew. Maybe the mess is that for years, he chose to repeatedly leave his dutiful wife at home to meet with other women to whom he had no real meaningful relationship. Maybe the mess is that he could do this and then return home to that same woman and give her no indication that anything other than great golf had happened while he was away. Maybe the mess is that Tiger may have never recognized that his behavior was wrong unless and until he was exposed.
So maybe, the world finding out about Tiger's transgressions isn't a mess at all. Maybe it's a blessing for Tiger and the world that admired him. After all, we've learned that what you see is not always what you get. We've learned that morality, honesty and integrity are not prerequisites for talent and ability. You can clearly have one set of positive traits without the other. We've learned that all men are fallible, some women are opportunistic and what is done in the dark will always come out in the light.
Now what Tiger has learned is yet to be determined. We assume that he now knows that his wife will fight him, his girlfriends will expose him, and his friends will publicly chastise him. But these are all external lessons. The internal lessons will be the most truthful and long lasting, after all adversity introduces a man to himself.
The Real Issue
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Precious Moments
After viewing the movie "Precious" which is a phenomenal story about a young women who overcomes abuse and adversity, I was particularly struck by the actress, Mo'nique's betrayal of the fictional character Mary Jones. Mary is the verbally and physically abusive mother of Clarice Precious Jones, a young girl who is the story's main character. Mary Jones threw everything she could think of both literally and figuratively at Precious in efforts to hurt and control her. Mary is portrayed as a terrible mother with no redeeming qualities. She was the perfect picture of an abuser. While this clearly isn't the first time the ugly face of abuse has been exposed on a movie screen, this is the first time that I have left the theater really wanting to better understand the abuser.
Maybe my interest in Mary was peaked because of Mo'Nique's perfect portrayal of a less than perfect woman. Or maybe it was because I felt the familiar energy of an abusive woman. Once I had more time to think about the character I summized that the ghosts of Mary Jones' past have caused her to become mean and caustic and caused her emotions to rot from fear and insecurity. Even though she put on the facade of strength and power, her hidden fear had used Precious to buffer herself from the world. She seemed afraid of interacting with people that she had no immediate control over. She would send Precious to talk to the teachers or social workers while she barked orders loudly yet cowardly from her chair. Their apartment had become a solar system with Mary Jones being the center of this ghetto universe. Precious, the cats that lived with them, and even Mary's own mother simply orbited around her. In Mary's mind, everything was about her. This egotism helped explain why Mary allowed her husband to molest Precious while she was in the room. Instead of Mary caring about how detrimental the molestation was to her three year old daughter, Mary's concern was, "Why did he want her and not me?" That egotism, seasoned with insecurity created a recipe that allowed Precious' needs to be totally forgotten, dismissed and ignored. That same insecurity caused Mary to question herself and remain in a relationship with a man who wanted to have intercourse with a three year old girl.
The abuse in this movie is tragic and extreme and clearly not the experience of most women but it made me wonder how much of Mary Jones is in each of us. How often do we find ourselves thinking of "what about me?" or find ourselves wondering what are the consequences of standing our ground or in our truth? Are there times that we have cared so much about what we wanted that we rationalized or even ignored the needs of others? Ultimately, what we saw was a weak Mary Jones, who made decisions based on egotism or ignorance or both and then oddly blamed the rest of the world.
As I pondered Mary even more I realized that as brutal and unappealing as she was...I felt sorry for her. I understood that she wasn't born that way. Life's circumstances and a flawed, insecure man or woman had created her. Something in her past has molded her into this loud, abusive, ghetto monster. Though big and mean, she clearly lacked strength and clarity of thought. Mary had survived her past, but unlike Precious, she had not had the ability to thrive and improve but instead chose to control and belittle all of those around her. Mary Jones had not found a school administrator who cared, a social worker determined to listen or a teacher willing to sacrifice for the betterment of her students. All these women had combined their strengths and woven a new way for Precious in a way that had somehow evaded Mary Jones. It was clear that neither of these three women characters had a magic wand or had experienced a perfect life themselves, but what they provided to Precious was an example of another way of being. A way that let Precious know that she was not like Mary Jones. Precious had protected her own, had found another way and had eventually seen her experience and humanity in another little girl just like her. As women we can all do that. And maybe the gesture will not be grand or even appear life changing at the moment, but if combined with the strength and wisdom of others it might save a life, which in the end is the Real Issue.
Maybe my interest in Mary was peaked because of Mo'Nique's perfect portrayal of a less than perfect woman. Or maybe it was because I felt the familiar energy of an abusive woman. Once I had more time to think about the character I summized that the ghosts of Mary Jones' past have caused her to become mean and caustic and caused her emotions to rot from fear and insecurity. Even though she put on the facade of strength and power, her hidden fear had used Precious to buffer herself from the world. She seemed afraid of interacting with people that she had no immediate control over. She would send Precious to talk to the teachers or social workers while she barked orders loudly yet cowardly from her chair. Their apartment had become a solar system with Mary Jones being the center of this ghetto universe. Precious, the cats that lived with them, and even Mary's own mother simply orbited around her. In Mary's mind, everything was about her. This egotism helped explain why Mary allowed her husband to molest Precious while she was in the room. Instead of Mary caring about how detrimental the molestation was to her three year old daughter, Mary's concern was, "Why did he want her and not me?" That egotism, seasoned with insecurity created a recipe that allowed Precious' needs to be totally forgotten, dismissed and ignored. That same insecurity caused Mary to question herself and remain in a relationship with a man who wanted to have intercourse with a three year old girl.
The abuse in this movie is tragic and extreme and clearly not the experience of most women but it made me wonder how much of Mary Jones is in each of us. How often do we find ourselves thinking of "what about me?" or find ourselves wondering what are the consequences of standing our ground or in our truth? Are there times that we have cared so much about what we wanted that we rationalized or even ignored the needs of others? Ultimately, what we saw was a weak Mary Jones, who made decisions based on egotism or ignorance or both and then oddly blamed the rest of the world.
As I pondered Mary even more I realized that as brutal and unappealing as she was...I felt sorry for her. I understood that she wasn't born that way. Life's circumstances and a flawed, insecure man or woman had created her. Something in her past has molded her into this loud, abusive, ghetto monster. Though big and mean, she clearly lacked strength and clarity of thought. Mary had survived her past, but unlike Precious, she had not had the ability to thrive and improve but instead chose to control and belittle all of those around her. Mary Jones had not found a school administrator who cared, a social worker determined to listen or a teacher willing to sacrifice for the betterment of her students. All these women had combined their strengths and woven a new way for Precious in a way that had somehow evaded Mary Jones. It was clear that neither of these three women characters had a magic wand or had experienced a perfect life themselves, but what they provided to Precious was an example of another way of being. A way that let Precious know that she was not like Mary Jones. Precious had protected her own, had found another way and had eventually seen her experience and humanity in another little girl just like her. As women we can all do that. And maybe the gesture will not be grand or even appear life changing at the moment, but if combined with the strength and wisdom of others it might save a life, which in the end is the Real Issue.
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